Breaking up while remaining a couple is something I imagine only a small few have experienced.

When you leave behind your entire support system to move across the world with the love of your life, it takes a gigantic amount of faith. I remember Lover Boy and I constantly cooing into each other’s ears “love is all we need.” Well I’m here to call total bullshit on that one.

We’re one year into our lives in Sweden and I find myself no longer planning a wedding, but a move back to the United States alone.

It seemed in the months following our engagement, little by little things weren’t right. Things that can’t be explained, just felt. The love was there, and still is. But there are bigger things at play than just love. Lifetimes of experiences, some good, mostly bad, that were never dealt with. When you live your life burying these ghosts of childhood’s past they can find their way to the surface quite quickly once you start planning a future. Thoughts of your children’s childhood, memories of things you’ve worked so hard to keep hidden start clawing their way to the surface. Doubts begin to creep into your mind. Then one day, you can’t keep it hidden anymore.

Lover Boy and I have fought and fought to keep things the way they used to be in the beginning. But some things can choke out the light. So as my days here in Sweden are numbered, it becomes more and more difficult to imagine a life away from here. A life away from Lover Boy. The decision to leave was an immensely difficult one that took several weeks of discussing what is best for each of us before the flight was booked.

Lover Boy will remain here in Sweden, fighting the fight over those childhood demons. I will return to the U.S. where I will very slowly and painfully try to rebuild a life there. Through it all, we have refused to call it quits on us. We are still together, still in love. Just very lost and very confused. We are hoping that our paths, though now running separately, will run parallel and eventually cross again, very soon.

In the worst moments, usually at night, when I lay tossing and turning next to the love of my life with tears running down my cheeks, I find myself softly repeating “love is all you need, all you need is love” in hopes that the chant will bring with it some magical powers to break this curse.

Until that curse can be broken I suppose I should adopt a new motto: