Sometimes I forget that my words are far reaching. And recently, my words have not been met kindly. I can understand the feelings of anger, disagreement, and betrayal that must be felt upon being “diagnosed” by someone. But it’s not just about one of us. The realization that not only your partner, but you as well suffer from a prevalent, yet quite easy to be blind to, dysfunction is a lot to absorb.

It’s almost embarrassing when you’re told and finally realize that you’ve lived your entire life with such a damaged view of what a healthy relationship looks like. After a quick inventory it wasn’t hard to identify each and every narcissist I had been in a relationship with. Which happened to be everyone I had been in a relationship with.

Codependents and narcissists are drawn to eachother like magnets. Their equal dysfunction perfectly completes one another.

It was comfortable. Familiar. Safe. The only way I knew how to show love and receive love. The only way to feel worthy of love.

Now the characteristics that drew me in to a potential partner,  the characteristics that created euphoric and addictive feelings of love and stability, leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Yet the characteristics of a healthy partner feel so abnormal and unstable. It’s a very uncomfortable place to be in life, separating the dysfunctional from the healthy.

Imagine living your entire life writing with your right hand. Then one day, someone tells you that writing with your right hand is unhealthy and will cause unavoidable pain and suffering. You now must learn to write with your left hand.  How could I have gone my entire life using my right hand and suffering through the pain, thinking it was normal? Yet how can I continue when writing with my left hand feels so foreign and unnatural?

So here I am. At a crossroads. Rewiring of the brain. Learning what love really looks and feels like. Learning that I am enough. I am complete. I am love.

And I will be fine.