I’ve always been an emotional person. Crying at movies, commercials, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, songs, books, thoughts, conversations, happiness. I feel all the feels.

My mom has always told me that’s a good thing. Let it out. Be honest to yourself about what and how you feel. I’ve followed this advice my whole life and been better for it. But sometimes feeling everything hit you like a tidal wave is terrifying, confusing and exhausting. It takes a toll on the people around you. It affects your job. It affects your perspective. It makes you wonder what’s wrong with you.

Lately my emotions have been waaaaaay out of control. I cry with no warning. And not just tears, but Kim Kardashian ugly cries.
I’ve been desperately seeking the answers for why. Calling my sister and begging her to explain me to myself. It’s impacting my relationship, and how could it not?

You see, the thing is not everything in life can be explained and most things will never make sense. Why did my dad leave us? Why did I leave Sweden with my heart in pieces? Why did I meet the man I’m with today who, 99.9% of the time, makes me forget those first two things ever happened?

Sometimes, especially lately, it’s difficult to understand much of anything. Someone once referred to my blog as The Book of Lies. How could I write these things about love and passion and then act completely different in person, was their question. And there it was. I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t answer them, other than to say I always mean what I write. It’s the purest, most honest expression of me. But that one sentence turned me inward. I thought so hard about why I write about passion and love and loss, but can come across as indifferent at times or an emotional mess that seems to contradict the words on the screen.

After thinking and thinking, the only thing that came to mind was “I don’t understand.” And then I thought “That’s okay.” We spend our lives constantly asking why. “Why” is one of our favorite words when we learn to talk. Why is the question that pushes us further. It’s how we invent, how we discover, how we become more intelligent.

Why do I have a job I love and a relationship that makes me happy (despite the influx of tears lately). Why do I shop so much and put myself in debt for those shoes or that bag. Why did my dad leave. Why did they cancel Arrested Development? Why, why, why.

The answer is so I could be happy today. So I can appreciate people like my boyfriend who are truly kind, thoughtful, and gentle. So I can appreciate the feeling of someone being honest with me. So I can live a life where someone isn’t telling me what to do or say or how to act. I can be myself and I can be with someone who loves being with me, just me. Although, to be fair, it’s still taking me some time to completely be myself with him. Given my history I’m a bit gun shy. But even with a small part of me still tucked away, I’ve never been more myself with anyone before (and before you text me Big Sis, that’s not including you).

Maybe all this emotion is from my new birth control, simple as that.

Or maybe it’s because for the first time in 28 years I’m in a relationship and an environment where I’m constantly reassured that it’s okay to be me. That I am enough. He’s seen me at my worst (and I do mean worst) and he’s still here. Everyday he makes me want to be better, go farther, laugh more. We fight and argue, but it’s about resolving matters that make us stronger together. We hurt each other’s feelings, but never on purpose, and sometimes one of us can be a bit messier than the other which can be a tiny bit annoying for the other person involved, but hey I’m working on it. It’s up and it’s down and it’s amazing.

Maybe after 28 years my emotions are processing that a romance like this can actually exist.

And it’s ours.

 

 

*Originally Written May, 2015