Sometimes when you’re in the middle of a low point in your day, someone comes along and gives you just what you need, even if you didn’t realize you needed it.

Messages and answers to our questions and problems are all around us. Look for the divine in the smallest of places and you’ll find your answer, as long as you’re truly looking. The answers aren’t always as obvious as the one I received today, but they’re there.

We are all divine answers to others’ prayers, questions, problems. It’s just that we don’t know our impact or our value at the time. And maybe we never will.

It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important in life. We get caught up in these moments that are meaningless in the scheme of things. I’ve had intense clinical anxiety as long as I can remember, so for someone like me especially, it’s incredibly difficult to pull myself out of the moment that is causing intense stress and just put it into perspective.

Will this matter tomorrow? What’s the worst that could happen? Is this truly a crisis situation? And most times you immediately know the answers, but your primal brain takes over and the fight or flight response kicks into high gear. The knot in your stomach, the light headedness, the fear, anger, frustration.

It floods over your entire body like high tide. It doesn’t matter what questions you ask yourself, what breathing techniques you use. All you see, feel, and think is pure anxiety.

But luckily for me I have people in my life who love me unconditionally. And they know me. Truly know me. I don’t know if it’s where I am in my life now or the experiences I’ve had over the last two years, but things are different. I’m different. And I’m ready to continue down the path of happiness. Having a lifelong support system is a huge reason I’m able to stand up to the bullshit and just say no. It will not take my happiness. I will be happy in-spite of it.

That is a place that is very difficult to reach. But I’m almost there. And it’s the most amazing feeling. Not only do they believe in me, but I believe in me. I’m beginning to see myself the way they do. Everyday I have love, I have patience, I have support, I have a teammate, an entire team for that matter.

How can you not succeed with such power behind you? I remind myself everyday not to take it for granted. I see the love and support in its purest form.

Most days I wake up and wonder how I got so lucky. How I was blessed with these people who have my back no matter what. It’s because of them I will keep my head held high and be the best version of myself that I can. Because they deserve that. I deserve that.

Everyone deserves that.

Life has a pattern for everyone. A pattern of ups and downs. Sometimes one lasts a bit longer than the other, but if not for one, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the other. We wouldn’t be able to appreciate the ones we love and who love us in return.

I’ve been told by friends, therapists, boyfriends, myself, you name it, that I’m codependent. This is always looked at as a bad thing. A thing that needs to be fixed. It’s something I’ve written about in this very blog not so long ago. But what I’ve come to learn in my current situation is that codependency isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, with the right person it’s the most beautiful state of being.

Sometimes things fall into your path at certain times, they seem like a wonderful coincidence. But these things, these moments, these experiences are not coincidences at all. They’re given to us as a gift. They answer a question, they fill a void, they reassure.

They’re exactly what we need in those unique moments.

I’ve always been an emotional person. Crying at movies, commercials, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, songs, books, thoughts, conversations, happiness. I feel all the feels.

My mom has always told me that’s a good thing. Let it out. Be honest to yourself about what and how you feel. I’ve followed this advice my whole life and been better for it. But sometimes feeling everything hit you like a tidal wave is terrifying, confusing and exhausting. It takes a toll on the people around you. It affects your job. It affects your perspective. It makes you wonder what’s wrong with you.

Lately my emotions have been waaaaaay out of control. I cry with no warning. And not just tears, but Kim Kardashian ugly cries.
I’ve been desperately seeking the answers for why. Calling my sister and begging her to explain me to myself. It’s impacting my relationship, and how could it not?

You see, the thing is not everything in life can be explained and most things will never make sense. Why did my dad leave us? Why did I leave Sweden with my heart in pieces? Why did I meet the man I’m with today who, 99.9% of the time, makes me forget those first two things ever happened?

Sometimes, especially lately, it’s difficult to understand much of anything. Someone once referred to my blog as The Book of Lies. How could I write these things about love and passion and then act completely different in person, was their question. And there it was. I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t answer them, other than to say I always mean what I write. It’s the purest, most honest expression of me. But that one sentence turned me inward. I thought so hard about why I write about passion and love and loss, but can come across as indifferent at times or an emotional mess that seems to contradict the words on the screen.

After thinking and thinking, the only thing that came to mind was “I don’t understand.” And then I thought “That’s okay.” We spend our lives constantly asking why. “Why” is one of our favorite words when we learn to talk. Why is the question that pushes us further. It’s how we invent, how we discover, how we become more intelligent.

Why do I have a job I love and a relationship that makes me happy (despite the influx of tears lately). Why do I shop so much and put myself in debt for those shoes or that bag. Why did my dad leave. Why did they cancel Arrested Development? Why, why, why.

The answer is so I could be happy today. So I can appreciate people like my boyfriend who are truly kind, thoughtful, and gentle. So I can appreciate the feeling of someone being honest with me. So I can live a life where someone isn’t telling me what to do or say or how to act. I can be myself and I can be with someone who loves being with me, just me. Although, to be fair, it’s still taking me some time to completely be myself with him. Given my history I’m a bit gun shy. But even with a small part of me still tucked away, I’ve never been more myself with anyone before (and before you text me Big Sis, that’s not including you).

Maybe all this emotion is from my new birth control, simple as that.

Or maybe it’s because for the first time in 28 years I’m in a relationship and an environment where I’m constantly reassured that it’s okay to be me. That I am enough. He’s seen me at my worst (and I do mean worst) and he’s still here. Everyday he makes me want to be better, go farther, laugh more. We fight and argue, but it’s about resolving matters that make us stronger together. We hurt each other’s feelings, but never on purpose, and sometimes one of us can be a bit messier than the other which can be a tiny bit annoying for the other person involved, but hey I’m working on it. It’s up and it’s down and it’s amazing.

Maybe after 28 years my emotions are processing that a romance like this can actually exist.

And it’s ours.

 

 

*Originally Written May, 2015

It’s hard to move forward when the past is all around you. Isn’t it called the past for a reason? Experiences, moments, events happen in life that seem devastatingly unfair. You feel as if you’re literally dying from the inside. But most of us are able to fight through it. Become better and stronger for it. But in the moments when the past won’t stay where it belongs, it challenges even the strongest person.

Relationships, especially new ones, should be about the future. What can we achieve together, how do we better each other, then in the most amazing situations you fall in love. This is typically when you feel unstoppable. You’re perfect. You’re ecstatic. But then as you’re minding your own business, living your own life, the past appears. Right in front of you. Wearing all black with a fake smile plastered across its face. As if to say “Just wait and see what I can do.” You slowly follow behind it as it walks with a strong purpose. It knows exactly where it’s going, what to show you in that moment to make you forget the future, forget what you have to do that day, forget why you’re even in the situation to begin with. It saunters into your present right in front of your face. It’s laughing at you. And there’s nothing you can do.

You watch as the past tries to wrap it’s cold grip around your future. And suddenly you lose all composure. You can’t watch it wrap itself around your love, your hope. So you walk past, catch one last glimpse of your present and the past mingling in a most unnatural manner. You slow down as you walk, hoping to make eye contact with your present. Let them know you’re there. That you see. That you love. And that. That is the moment you can’t hold it in. In that instant the past wins. And it knows exactly what it’s done. That’s what it feeds on. Knowing it can still have an affect on the present and the future.

The past is selfish. Clad in darkness, regrets, it fills you with guilt. It fools us into thinking things were better than they were. It comes back to ruin what we’ve tried so hard to overcome and forget. It  washes away the light and clouds your judgement. Making you forget what your future holds; what is waiting for you just down the bend. Some are lucky enough to keep their past an ocean away. Others can’t get more then 20 steps away. But no matter the distance the past always finds ways to sneak its way back into your present. To test perhaps how far you’ve really come.

You can have all the trust in the world in someone, but when you see someone you love so much interacting with their past it hurts. Regardless of the reasons. Even if it may serve a bigger purpose to secure a more stable future together. You feel the hot tears roll down your cheeks. And in that instant you know that the past won. All you can do is let the tears fall. Try to hold your head high and remember there’s a reason the past is where it is. And there’s an even better reason you’re the present and the future. You know no matter how hard the past pounds and fights, it won’t replace you. But until then I’ll feel the pain, the confusion, the anger. I’ll play over in my head the fantasy of the past being taken down and removed like an old movie poster, never to make an appearance again. Locked away where it belongs. Far, far away from love, from innocence, from opportunity, from our future.

Until then, I’ll keep my head high. I’ll keep my trust strong and my love stronger. And one day I’ll laugh at the past as it walks by.

But until then, I’ll let the tears fall.

As in control as I feel is as out of control as I feel.

All anyone wants out of life is happiness. Something so greatly desired across continents, cultures, societies, but so hard to define. I’m not sure I could even say what pure lasting happiness would mean to me.

That’s just it. Happiness grows and changes as much as we do. Priorities change, life evolves, and needs, although fundamental, take on different roles in our lives as we age.

But I do think there are some universal truths to creating happiness:

Being accepted for who you are.
Being appreciated.
Being loved.
Being included.

Strike a balance and you discover ecstasy, strike an imbalance and you reach great depths of despair.

Many people don’t understand this see-saw. Why the pain and suffering? There are philosophies, religions, and all kinds of ideas and opinions that do their part in explaining this dichotomy.

To me the answer lies in my Buddhist teachings. Heaven and hell exist here, on Earth. Think about the last time you were the happiest you can remember. It was heaven, right? Pure joy, peace. Now think of the last time in life you struggled. A time when you felt the deepest loss, the biggest hole, loneliness filling you from the inside out. That’s hell. Painful and torturous. But you learned from both experiences. Whether lasting years or minutes. You learned.

Life is a classroom. We succeed and we fail. We live. We are only human. Capable of so much more than our bodies allow. Trapped by the confines of our brains telling us what we can and cannot do.

Regardless of your beliefs, your philosophies, your religion, one thing is clear; you can never have one without the other. The happy and the sad. The beautiful and the ugly. The control and the out of control.

The trick is finding the harmony in the discord.

Our words can repair, express emotion and opinions, destroy, create, bring joy, peace, confidence, laughter, tears. Most of us think we control our words. They’re carefully crafted and well thought out before they leave the protection of our lips. I’ve learned as life has gone on, that my words craft themselves and in most cases they decide when they leave my lips.

Freud believed that our words are a product of our subconscious. Speaking the truth on matters and in ways we never intended, let alone thought at any point in our conscious minds. Freud, and many psychologist today, have concluded that these Freudian Slips, these slips of the tongue, are our minds way of getting out exactly what is lingering just below the surface. It takes a push sometimes for us stubborn humans, so enraptured in our egos, to understand what we truly think and feel about other people, other situations, and most importantly our selves.

Though my relationship is still quite new, I love everything about him. Even his worst qualities. It’s not just that hallmark card kind, but actual love, or Love Actually…. Anyway, I’ve had this rule my entire life that I would never be the one to say those three words first. It was always my partner who expressed his feelings first and if I felt the same, the words would be reciprocated in a romantic and tummy tingling moment of pure romance, endorphins pumping. It’s not something I’ve felt many times. Only once before and that was a very different kind of love. This is real. This is honest. This is the kind of love I’ve always wanted and here it is.

For the past few weeks I’ve been thinking it. Repeating it to him in my head. Staring at him and smiling as he awkwardly ask what I’m looking at. Of course in those moments I couldn’t blurt out “Oh I’m just thinking about HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. Hey can you pass the chips?” No, that’s not how it was going to happen. He has already been very open with me on his thoughts about love. He’s never been in love. He doesn’t believe that after a few months you can fall in love with someone. He’s not wrong about much, but boy is he wrong about that. But his beliefs even further solidified my decision to keep my big mouth shut. Let him say it, if he ever would. Well I can have all the plans in the world, but I always find a way to fuck it all up. Not sure if this is a lovely genetic gift passed along by my wonderful yet clumsy and incredibly awkward mother (Ma, I love you xoxo) or just some weird defense mechanism I’ve developed over time. Either way, it creates some awesome moments in my life. Moments that aren’t awesome in any way until at least 2 years have passed.

All of this brings me to this morning. Getting ready for work like always. I thought, just like every other morning, that I would kiss him goodbye and say my usual “Goodbye Babe have a good day!” The plan was there, autopilot was on, the words were in my mouth, but silly me. Silly, silly KC. You should know better by now. Though yes, that is my typical everyday routine, that routine also includes me repeating in my mind “Goodbye Baby, I love you.” But every morning this has been nothing but a day dream berried deep, deep in my brain. Weeellllll not today. As I leaned in for my usual morning kiss and started my standard goodbye speech, an extra three words came right out. They just slipped right on out, like a kid tearing down the slip and slide.

I. Love. You.

My brain started processing quickly. What the hell just came out of my mouth!? Before I could actually comprehend, my brain continued on it’s own, so nice of it seeing as it had done such a good job up until this point. Every excuse came falling out like a dump truck that just released it’s load. “I didn’t mean that! I’m just used to saying it to my family all the time! Obviously I don’t love you. I mean even if I did you wouldn’t say it back!” The damage was done. Awkwardness covered every inch of the situation immediately, like ants on a crumb. He seemed a little confused, a little hurt, a little uncomfortable and I imagine I looked like someone just pointed a gun at my face. After a few minutes and a Redbull, I gathered my thoughts. We had just had a conversation about me opening up, not being scared to be vulnerable, being honest. And at the first opportunity I blew it. I did love him. I do love him. And I meant what I said. The fact that it came out of my mouth so naturally without a second thought showed that. I love this man. And I realized that I don’t care if he’s ready to say it back or not. They’re my feelings and I will share them. I tried to explain this to him in a rushed dash out the door to work, but you can’t really have a meaningful conversation about the fact that you just blurted out you love your boyfriend first thing in the morning as he was putting his pants on. So it left off with a very nerve wracking “Let’s talk about it later, when we’re both done with work.”

Here I sit. 5 programs pulled up on my computer screen that all demand my time and attention and all I can think about is how much I love him. And I can’t wait to see his face at the end of the day. I guess my point is, waiting to say it is probably a good idea (for most couples). But if you feel it, deep inside. You think it, you whisper it at the end of sentences so he can’t hear you, and one day, to both of your surprise, it audibly makes its surprise debut, then let it be free and honest. The best relationships are built on honesty, trust, and being completely vulnerable from time to time. It took me 28 years to learn that vulnerability isn’t a bad thing. And neither is saying I love you first.

So there you have it. I’m in love. As to what the next chapter holds, who knows. But right now I’m quite happy right where I am. Read More »

Imagine yourself as a whole person, scattered across the world, through time and space in thousands of pieces.

Memories of the past become residual experiences you live over and over again, but from behind a cage of recollection. You can see it, smell it, taste it, but you can’t touch it. The images become grainy and washed out, fading to nothing, like an old reel of film that’s reached the last frame in the projector.

Then there’s the present. There is happiness here. Contentment. Love. And a feeling of calming peace you’ve been missing for quite some time.

The future beckons with promises of grand successes and endless love. All yours, just ahead.

But I am coexisting in all three. In multiple facets of all three. Past, present, future. I take my experiences and memories from the past, hold tight to them as I focus on my life in the present, which is laying down the steps for the future. Each seem so real. A part of me. A part of the whole.

The question is in which part of space and time will I finally collect all of my pieces. Treat life like a catalog of moments, thoughts, lessons, experiences, relationships, and places. Pick and choose which of each will meet you in your future or become part of your present.

Why live shackled to the idea of only the here and now. There is so much more out there. The have been, are, and will be are simply categories to brake. Live it again. Continue it. Meet it when you finally arrive.

Some may argue that if you’re scattered in thousands of pieces how can you be whole. We are a collection of our past our present and our future. There will always be parts of us existing in all three. That is what makes a person whole. It’s when you become trapped in one that you become just part of the whole.

Life has a funny way of working itself out. One minute you’re a pile on the bathroom floor, the next you’re bursting with happiness. I firmly believe that every person, every situation, every relationship is brought into our lives for a very clear and specific reason. Of course, it’s not so clear while it’s happening, but as I said it all works itself out.

To meet someone who knows you inside and out at first glance is a rare and amazing experience that still has me in awe every single day. Someone who tells you things about yourself that you didn’t even know. That feeling of someone looking at you like you’re magic, studying you, not just looking at you, but seeing you, it’s indescribable. For someone who is usually quite adept with words it gets frustrating and confusing when, for the first time in my life, someone literally leaves me speechless.

All I want to do is tell him what I feel. Tell him that when he looks at me, the world falls away and it’s just us. When he touches me, my skin feels illuminated. When he wraps his arms around me it’s the most beautiful I’ve ever felt. And when he looks at me, oh God, when he looks at me. I’m seen. I’m truly and absolutely seen. And that doesn’t scare me.

I hope he knows that he’s magic to me. That when he sleeps and I catch a glimpse of him a smile fills my entire face. That when I lay my head on his chest I feel like nothing can touch us. That all of his insecurities are things I find the most beautiful about him. And that when we’re intertwined, wrapped up in each other, it’s a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

For me, it will always be him.

You are magic.

Sometimes I forget that my words are far reaching. And recently, my words have not been met kindly. I can understand the feelings of anger, disagreement, and betrayal that must be felt upon being “diagnosed” by someone. But it’s not just about one of us. The realization that not only your partner, but you as well suffer from a prevalent, yet quite easy to be blind to, dysfunction is a lot to absorb.

It’s almost embarrassing when you’re told and finally realize that you’ve lived your entire life with such a damaged view of what a healthy relationship looks like. After a quick inventory it wasn’t hard to identify each and every narcissist I had been in a relationship with. Which happened to be everyone I had been in a relationship with.

Codependents and narcissists are drawn to eachother like magnets. Their equal dysfunction perfectly completes one another.

It was comfortable. Familiar. Safe. The only way I knew how to show love and receive love. The only way to feel worthy of love.

Now the characteristics that drew me in to a potential partner,  the characteristics that created euphoric and addictive feelings of love and stability, leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Yet the characteristics of a healthy partner feel so abnormal and unstable. It’s a very uncomfortable place to be in life, separating the dysfunctional from the healthy.

Imagine living your entire life writing with your right hand. Then one day, someone tells you that writing with your right hand is unhealthy and will cause unavoidable pain and suffering. You now must learn to write with your left hand.  How could I have gone my entire life using my right hand and suffering through the pain, thinking it was normal? Yet how can I continue when writing with my left hand feels so foreign and unnatural?

So here I am. At a crossroads. Rewiring of the brain. Learning what love really looks and feels like. Learning that I am enough. I am complete. I am love.

And I will be fine.